Healing and creating my own destiny-
My name is Michelle, and I am a recovering Alcoholic/addict. I am also recovering from body dismorphia due to early sexual trauma, eating disorders, codependancy, anger, guilt, and resentments. I spent the first thirty years of my life wondering blindly through each day mad that I woke up. I have had every form of trauma hurled in my direction. I was convinced if there was a god he hated me. When you go through life getting repeatedly pounded by negative forces you lose the ability to have faith in anything or have a positive outlook. The only thing I had faith in was, that if it could happen, it would happen to me.
From 11-30 I was dependent on anything to escape my reality, to numb the pain, forget the past, and be able to speak. All the while i was adding to the trauma. Altering my mind gave me the ability to feel human and actually respond to people when spoken to. Without it most of the time words physically could not come out of my mouth.
My whole life I have been abused emotionally, physically, and sexually. I also became a widow at 25. I have been in a rollover accident that probably should have killed me, I have been ran over by an 85 dodge. I have attempted suicide and failed, been a terrible mom and just a human being in general.
AA did not only save my life, it did not give me back my life, it gave me a whole new one. I have been rebuilt from the inside out. AA Gave me the ability to allow myself to let go of the past, allow myself to heal, showed me how to feel, and helped me figure out what i wanted in life. I am now a person I can look at in the mirror. I wake up happy to see another day, I am a wonderful mom, wife, friend, and daughter. I cleaned up my wreckage, paid off all my fines, court fees, and random debt from not paying bills. I went to treatment, took every self help class I could get my hands on, read many self help books, got my kids back, bought a house, bought vehicles, have a valid license, and even have insurance on everything.
Those are things I never thought were reachable. I became a productive member of society. A couple years ago I even got an expungement. These are just the highlights of what this program has done for me, there is so much more. All of this did not come over night, it has been slowly gained over the past 9 years. It has also not been emotionally easy. The healing goes back and forth and my headspace needs constant attention so I do not backstep. I have come close to relapse a few times by forgetting to take care of my headspace. Overall though I look back in awe of just how much has changed. When I first came in everything seemed un reachable.
-If you are struggling today always remember that once you figure out that you are capable of using your past as a building block rather than a wrecking ball, the positive possibilities are endless.
-God has to break you in order to build you.
-If you do not believe in miracles, perhaps you have forgotten you are one. Have a blessed day, do not give up, keep on taking that next step.
