Kentucky Curse
❃♰Rock -n- Rose♰❃
A Kentucky Curse
✶Hi, I’m Britany and I’m an alcoholic✶
🝮My Sobriety Date 5.30.2017🝮
Free spirit rebel soul thirteen year old young girl with a father in prison and a mother with a medical condition. A long line of alcoholism ran deep in our ancestors timeline, I personally saw death from alcoholism not really fully understanding the sickness. (disease) My mom’s best friend (my father figure) gave me my first bottle of Jim beam black label when the burning of that first drink hit my throat. It felt like the flames of fire ripping through my veins. I continued to drink the whole fifth all alone, the way it made me feel outside of myself.
Like I was ten feet tall and bulletproof, I was whiskey bent and hell bound, sometimes I didn’t want to be found, yep I was a part of that royal crown bottle drowned turned upside down. Tearing up my little town, hell I’ll be around just got to follow the sound of my next breakdown, oh man the comedown. Then the room started spinning but I was sitting still. When I tried to stand it was like my head was so heavy, running straight for the floor head first.
Then came the next stage of my first drunk now dizzy and room spinning you guessed it here comes the vomiting, Uncontrollable vomit everywhere. No time to make it to the restroom and I didn’t even know my name so a garbage can didn’t cross my mind.
I was unsuccessful trying to speak, my words were slurred and not understandable. The next morning when I woke up I was covered in vomit that I was still laying in which made me vomit again because of the strong alcohol smell. The very first time I ever drank alcohol I got alcohol poisoning. That didn’t stop me though HELL I was just getting started you see. Crazy I know stupid yes of course. Clueless and young no doubt. Have you ever tried it out? Give me a shout
That one drink led to one million drinks over the course of thirteen years. I believe that alcoholics are born with this disease, and my alcoholism was activated with that very first drink. How very little did I know, thinking I knew everything. Oh how stupid I was. All this drinking, partying, hangovers, among other many things. My drinking career had led me to hurting my family, friends, and others, not doing so on purpose. They all had a problem with my drinking. I don’t know why I surely wasn’t hurting anyone but myself so why do they even care? (Oh my Poisoned mind, stinking thinking) I got my first DUI at eighteen years old (imagine that right go figure who knew).
When I turned twenty one I had my first born son, then at twenty three I had my daughter. I remember I stopped drinking because I was pregnant but I didn’t become miserable because I couldn’t drink but I did think about the day they would be born so that I could drink again. After both children were born I ended up breast feeding both of my children bc the great benefits for my children and I, it was a no brainer. I couldn’t breastfeed and drink though so I learned very quickly that I could pump the babies enough milk for a couple days then I could drink. I had to pump and dump (Waste baby milk for alcohol).
Now this might sound crazy to you but to this alcoholic it just made sense to me. Although it took a lot of work just to get a drink and all the milk I had to waste by dumping it out so that the milk would be safe for my babies to drink again. This was hard work just to take a drink. I felt like the drink always won against all things in my life. I was stuck in a dangerous life cycle that was destroying everything around me. (STUCK ON STUPID)
Now here I was twenty five and still drinking but it had progressed so much it quit working. Can you believe that I didn’t even know that was possible but I experienced it first hand. Talk about a powerful DEVIL, I use to fill my empty alcohol bottles with water and highlighters and display them on top of or wrap around kitchen cabinets. Looking up to them like it was my GOD.
Dazed, scared, confused, hurt, and broken I found my first rock bottom. How did I get here and can I dig my way out? At this point alcohol was causing me more troubles and no truth, no sense of self anymore. See personally I became a black out drinker, I never drank for the taste only the effect it gave to me. This kind of drinking is seriously DANGEROUS, anything can happen to you at this point. Please follow the DRINK RESPONSIBLY warning. I wish I would have followed it but I never really understood what that meant. I’m that girl who says alcohol abuse when someone pours it down the drain (what a waste that’s not right).
Rock bottom number two I had been sober for ten months. This rock bottom thought involved my relapse and five city cops in my hometown. Oh boy yeah I had to try and fight them all but they beat me black, blue to Co. jail and an orange jumpsuit. Here I am in this D.T tank laying on the nasty floor passed out. When I awoke I had never been so afraid because I had no knowledge of what I did to land me in the slammer again? Did I kill someone or hurt someone OMG please tell me my chargers, but they made me sweat it out which filled me full of more fear. So my Charge(s) are as follows (I received all eight charges in less than 30 mins)
- Alcohol Intoxication in a Public Place
- Wanton Endangerment, First Degree
- Endangering the Welfare of a Minor
- Disorderly Conduct, Second Degree
- Assault, Third Degree, Police Officer
- Assault, Third Degree, Police Officer
- Resisting Arrest
- Assault, Third Degree, EMS
That was my last drunk, I made it one day at a time and recieved my five year chip.
Age twenty seven years old and go figure the very same person who gave me my first drink at thirteen now has me in family court trying to take my children. Guess it’s a real problem for him now, although it was not affecting my parenting to a degree that I was not functional. Understand that he drank as well and drank a lot, always had to have their social VIP Bars. So now starts the family court system and let me tell you it’s literally a living HELL a very long nightmare. I can’t drink, I have to test to prove I was not using any alcohol or mood altering substances just to visit my children on a time limit of course and be supervised. Talk about a very bad experience, I don’t recommend it just trust me.
I had to attend groups and AA. Still young and dumb, it was like what is AA and how I have never heard of it before. My first meeting in Bardstown KY at the Nelson Co. Library I had to read a reading, I can remember trying to read how it works and it felt like a foreign language to me like what are yall even talking about right now this is crazy. At first I thought oh no I can’t do this, it’s a religious (cult) thing. I was wrong, it’s a Spiritual program and it’s progress not perfection. Trying hard to do what was expected from me through AA. received my first AA book and so it began.
Only twelve twenty four hour chips, six thirty days, one six months, one nine months, one one year. In the beginning I just couldn’t get it, always thinking why is this so damn hard what’s wrong with me? Then I heard the answer and my way of doing both (meetings and drinking) See I heard them read one of the twelve traditions “The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.” So my mind was that I don’t actually have to stop as long as I keep my desire to stop and I have declared myself an alcoholic. I really am not sure why that was so damn hard. It’s so simple; Hi I’m Britany Rose and I’m an alcoholic.
I am a very active overthinker and I can make anything sound good in my head definitely when I’m trying to talk myself into known destruction. Fear, frustration, plus a dose of some spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotional immaturity. Some are sicker than others, I was very sick and stuck. Alcohol was like my medicine and I was always sick. 12 & 12 Step Four P. 44 States: “We have drunk to drown feelings of fear, frustration, and deep depression.” That hit hard because the more days I had sober the more feelings and memories flooded my mind. Now I have to finally deal with years of them because I never dealt with any of them, only did what I did best and that was to poison them. B.B. A Vision For You P. 151 States: “Momentarily we did- then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the tedious Four Horsemen: 1.Terror, 2.Bewilderment, 3.Frustration, 4.Despair
I was once told you’re only as sick as your secrets, I truly believe in that statement. At some point I started to become excited to go to meetings. I even did what’s called 90 & 90 (90 Meetings in 90 Days) three different times. But at some point A.A. was the solution to all my problems. It was actually working (works if you work it) by the Grace of God and A.A. I found a brand new meaning to my life and to always do God’s will not my own. One drunk to another It’s still miserable out there and we need each other in order to stay sober. Alcohol is still waiting for me to come back and give my application for a professional drinker. That’s scary so I’ll keep coming back one day at a time. That’s how we Shine, simply give your time.
Britany R
Kentucky
