Responsible for my Actions

RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS

I am responsible for my actions. I am not responsible for my thinking. My very best thinking got me drunk. My very best thinking almost cost me my marriage, my job, and my life. My very best thinking got me into loneliness, no self-respect, and loss of dignity. I can’t even take credit for finding Alcoholics Anonymous.
That day, that moment, when everything between me and me died. I still had two choices. Die or seek help. Doctors couldn’t help me. I had been there. Psychiatrist couldn’t help me. I had tried. My wife couldn’t help me. I had used and abused her for too long. I had all but killed any love or trust that was once there.
It was a drunk that didn’t drink, I sought. He had been where I was and wasn’t there anymore. He knew me, when I didn’t know myself. I took the action to ask for help for I was God guided. He made a suggestion for God was working through him. I took the action and found AA by way of a hospital. I wanted to be locked up for I was a drunk and insane.
I just gave up. Gave up trying to think my way out of this situation one more time. I was beaten. I was finished. I had it. I surrendered.
I started looking for God in those first days sober and couldn’t find God. I was told to quit looking for God, and just pray to God and maybe God could find me. I prayed to God and I found peace.
Maybe I started to get too well too quick. When I started eating regular, sleeping regular, and the body starting feeling good. I tried to take control of my life again. But I had heard too many things that made sense. I had seen too many people living fun and productive lives. I didn’t know how to be honest in my head and I wanted to be honest. I didn’t know that by living honest my thinking would change.
It took a second bottom, thanks to God a sober bottom, when I surrendered again. The miracle of this program was when another drunk loved me when I couldn’t love myself and I allowed him to love me. It was in the love in this program I found peace of mind.
I found that I am responsible for my actions. I am not responsible for my thinking nor do I accept the responsibility for having this disease. I am responsible for loving other alcoholics, yet I cannot take responsibility for their actions or feelings or their getting better or not getting better.
For me, love is action. Caring is an action. Listening is an action. Patience is an action. Understanding is an action. Willingness is an action.
I watched as love returned to a marriage when I took the action to contribute. I watched as trust returned when I was trustful. I watched loneliness disappear from my life when I let others know me.
Today, I surrender each morning. The day will turn out what ever way it is suppose to turn out. By surrendering it usually turns out better than I could have thought of. Today this program is working in my life and I hope it is working in yours. I take the action to work it and God takes care of the rest.
Chuck H.
Laguna Woods